EMDR Changed My Life: 7 Keys to Healing Anxiety Naturally

Struggling with Anxiety? How EMDR Changed My Life

Hey Hey! Thank you for coming back! The “starting messy” piece (as they say in the podcasting world) isn’t as hard for me as WHERE to start. So, bear with me as I get settled in here with a little bit of important history. I assure you I don’t plan to speak at you about where I came from forever. I have some pretty amazing interviews lined up in the coming weeks and in these first few podcasts, I simply strive to give you the 20,000 foot view of my “Becoming”, in “Becoming Natural.” I have made such a drastic change in my life that has lead to dramatic improvements in how my entire body feels on a daily basis. Imparting how far I have come and how bad it was is even difficult for me to look back and acknowledge.

As for how I find myself here recording a podcast, that’s funny. A year ago I would have laughed if you told me this is where I would be. God has an incredible sense of humor.

Roughly 2 years after all the post-surgical sepsis drama, my family had moved to Kansas City from Texas and I decided I could wrap my head around attempting to write “the book”. When my hometown minister told me I needed to “tell my story” I just assumed that meant I needed to write a book. I actually got quite a bit written before I started to connect some dots in my world that seemed to be falling apart a bit. I began crying for no reason at all. I would be sitting at a stoplight alone the car and burst into tears. I was highly emotional at home, which is not like me at all. I didn’t say anything to anyone as I wondered myself if I was losing my mind. Finally, one day, my sweet husband with as much grace and gentleness as he could muster said, “Do you think you need to talk to someone?” While it had truly never even crossed my mind to go talk to someone, I knew he was right as soon as he suggested it. Something was wrong with me and while I can usually “fix” myself by powering thru, I had no idea how to fix my brain this time. I couldn’t even think about how to find a counselor. He literally had to find someone and make the appointment for me. I was crippled with anxiety and overwhelm. The overwhelm was a killer! The usual Penny that could knock out 50 tasks a day had disappeared. I could not put one foot in front of the other outside of getting my kids out the door to school. More than a couple tasks in a day overwhelmed me to the point of shutting down. So, my default “power thru” button was to dig in deeper. So, I tried to dig in and volunteer more with the kids’ schools. I got a job doing PRN OT work. I tried to busy myself in an effort to “just keep moving.” Not only did that backfire, it just made my life more and more chaotic. I said “Yes” to too many things and instead of inserting peace and rest, I was in a new town trying to meet people and help my kids get involved, running with my hair on fire. When I finally realized I was causing myself more harm than good, I realized I needed to make some big changes in my life.

I started by going to the counselor my husband called and crazy as it seemed at the time I couldn’t even tell her what was wrong with me for the crying that came out every time I opened my mouth. I kept saying, “I don’t know why I am crying!” I realized I was on a much bigger struggle bus than I ever knew sitting in that chair, trying to tell the counselor simply that I had a painful surgery several years prior. She was perfectly patient and kind, but after a couple visits, I felt like I was paying to go cry and I wasn’t sure what the goal was. I didn’t look forward to it one bit. It wasn’t until I met with a second counselor that we really clicked. She ultimately explained that the fact that my emotions were not tied to specific thoughts and completely irrational to the moment meant I was struggling with PTSD. I have learned thru all of my struggles to be very open with anything I have experienced. I wasn’t always that way, but I found that I could help so many people when I shared what I was going thru. I felt terrible saying I had PTSD. In fact, I told very few people because PTSD seems like it should be reserved for someone who has seen horrific war or had horribly traumatic experiences. But as my counselor explained to me, I had gone thru a battle of my own. It was traumatic and my brain couldn’t reconcile it all. To say my brain was “broken” kind of blew my mind. But I learned, be it my personality, or how I learned to cope with chronic illness or simply as a mom I never grieved my situation or dealt with the stress and the fear. I was so focused on each step I had to take to get the heck out of that hospital and home to my boys. If I did X, I get Y. With Y I got to do Z. When I was in that hospital for weeks on end, my entire job was to heal. I just focused on healing, not dealing with my own fears. I compartmentalized my pain, and pushed thru like most moms do when we are sick. I dealt with nothing emotionally. In fact, I remember being really tearful one evening missing my boys, tired of being in the hospital and my husband looked at the nurse and asked if there was anything they could give me, as in something for anxiety. Thru tears I remember saying, “I don’t want anything. I don’t NEED anything! It is perfectly normal for me to be missing my kids and not wanting to be here another day.” Then I saw them side eye each other. While I am sure it wasn’t the first time I had taken an anxiety med in my life, it was the first time I knew I was taking it and it felt great.

Ultimately, my second therapist recommended we do EMDR therapy. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). While I am a student of Anatomy and Physiology and love studying the body, counseling is very abstract to me. The way I understood it was that the traumas of my experience were encapsulated on one side of my brain as my body went into protective mode. However, the rational side of my brain that I could articulate to her, “ I know I am no longer in pain. I know this isn’t normal. I know I shouldn’t be scared.” Was not communicating with the “irrational feelings” on the other side of my brain. So, our goal was to open up that communication and let my brain deal with what needs to be dealt with in order to heal. I had no idea how it would work, but I was all for it. Please just fix the tears! This I could understand the goal.

Initially, she asked me a lot of questions as she was trying to figure out my “Jenga Towers” as she said. What were my sticking points that really caused the anxiety. 1- Pain. I knew that from the start. I couldn’t even talk about the pain I had in wound care or the pain I had when I woke up after a surgery with no pain pump. That kind of pain literally made me lose my mind. No pun intended. I lost it. Over and Over again. The worst days of my life revolve around pain. 2- I had incredible guilt for being a sick mom. I missed events at schools for procedures and certainly when I had unexpected hospital stays. I hated letting my kids down and I just wanted to be a normal mom. Not a sick mom. I was supposed to be home by Mother’s Day after my initial surgery and when things were complicated, I stayed an extra week. It killed me that my boys had to visit me in the hospital on Mother’s Day. I missed my middle son’s Field Day and he won the big race. It absolutely killed me not being there for him. 3-Smells. Oh my word. The smell of IV tubing, saline, oxygen masks, anything related to the hospital, specifically plastics, sent me spinning. That one was harder to resolve in the office, but she did teach me compensatory techniques to help me should I encounter those smells again.

So every week I went to see her I put these “buzzies” in my hand. The were little gadgets that fit in my palm that alternated buzzing in one hand then the other for roughly a minute at a time. She prompted me to think about something and after the one minute I had to tell her my last thought. And we would discuss. It was remarkable to see my progress as I went from a sobbing crazy lady to resolving each tower a little bit at a time by opening up both sides of my brain at the same time with the buzzies. It allowed the irrational feelings to somehow reckon themselves with the rational thoughts and told my brain that I was, indeed, OK. I was lucky or unlucky enough that my son had to have a minor surgery during this time and when I went back to be with him as they prepped him, the plastic tubing rolled out and my heart started to race, my hands got clammy and all I could do was look for an out. I had to get out of there. But the rational part of me that wanted to be there for my son and the “get me the heck out of here” part had to duke it out with some breathing and for me, praise and worship music gives me incredible peace. I popped in one airpod and played my playlist, did some breathing and I so beautifully came out of my flight portion of fight or flight mode and I am fairly certain my son never caught on. Incredibly empowering to have worked myself thru a red flag situation all by myself.

I finally graduated from EMDR when I was able to talk about those portions of my hospital stay without the tearfulness, without the anxiety, and I felt confident my hemispheres were talking to each other. Therapy ultimately came to an end when I would do the buzzie routine and I had nothing to say when they stopped. It was really quite amazing. I have occasional moments where I might feel a fleeting pain that tries to send me down the rabbit hole of irrational thinking and I have to capture my thoughts before they get carried away. I have had several whiffs of plastic tubing or saline, but for the most part, I can see that coming and am getting pretty good at avoiding getting in to those situations. And finally, my boys that were 11, 9 and 6 at the time are now 20, 18, and 15 and occasionally I will ask a leading question about those days and they have almost no memory of my ever being in the hospital. Or if they remember anything, they remember having grandparents at the house all the time and playing with friends a lot. Praise. The. Lord.

I am not going to lie. EMDR was hard work. My appointments were Friday mornings and I was so grateful to usually have open time afterwards to go home and take a nap as my brain was worked and truly healing. It was a physical work out for my brain and I was exhausted. I am not sure how any kind of talk therapy ever got a bad rap. Why there is any stigma associated with seeing a counselor, because I was so sad when my sessions ended. I genuinely looked forward to my Friday mornings because I could tell they were making a difference. After going thru EMDR, I think everyone needs someone to talk to that is not in their daily life even if its not EMDR. Any kind of therapy is beneficial. An unconnected voice of reason to affirm your struggles without judgement and usher you to the finish line is an incredible gift.

On a personal note, I have heard several people say their therapist did not use the buzzies in their hands and used a technique where they had to move their eyes side to side. (I think this was the original technique (thus the name Eye Movement) I can only say that those people reported not loving it and for the work it took for me just to get thru the emotions, the passive approach using the hand buzzies was wonderful compared to making myself think about moving my eyes back and forth. Personal opinion only.

It really does take a good therapist that knows how to seamlessly work thru the process. If you are interested in finding a good EMDR therapist, there are a few things I would suggest:

1-EMDR Training and/or Certification: Ensure the therapist is properly trained and certified in EMDR therapy. I have heard multiple people say it is hard to find someone who is comfortable and able to do this smoothly with expertise. Find a good one!

2-Experience with Your Concerns: Ideally, the therapist should have experience treating issues similar to yours using EMDR. Whether it's trauma, anxiety, PTSD, or other conditions, familiarity with your specific concerns is crucial.

3-Therapeutic Approach: A good EMDR therapist will integrate EMDR into a broader therapeutic approach that suits your needs. They should be able to explain how EMDR fits into your treatment plan and how it complements other therapeutic techniques if needed.

4-Empathy and Trustworthiness: Therapy, including EMDR, involves discussing personal and sometimes distressing experiences. A good therapist should be empathetic, non-judgmental, and trustworthy, creating a safe environment for you to explore and process your emotions

5-Clear Communication: They should be able to clearly explain the EMDR process, what to expect during sessions, and how it may feel afterward. They should also answer any questions or concerns you have about EMDR therapy.

6-Referrals and Recommendations: Personal recommendations from trusted sources such as healthcare providers, friends, or support groups can be valuable in finding a good EMDR therapist.

7-Compatibility: Lastly, trust your instincts. Therapy is a collaborative process, and feeling comfortable with your therapist is essential for effective treatment. If you don't feel a connection after a few sessions, it's okay to explore other options.

Overall, finding a good EMDR therapist involves finding someone who is not only skilled in EMDR therapy but also someone you feel comfortable opening up to and working with towards your goals.